My Abah, My Love

Dear, Abah...

I know, u wouldn’t be able to read this. I just need a place to express my loneliness. Abah, I’m having my final exam. In 6 days, i have a paper on Public Relations. The lecturer is nice. My study is all fine. I did well in Sociology’s mid-term test. I got the highest. 

Abah, when i was about to enter high school, i was scared because i was about to live in the school’s hostel. The school provided me with a double-decker bed which i needed to share with my friend, Anis. Mama sent me and left early. I sat with Anis and her family until they said farewell to each other. This story was taken place 7 years ago. But i still remember it vividly. On the second floor of our hostel, Anis father hugged her and kissed her on the head. I was so jealous, Abah. I was being jealous because i had lost the kiss when i was 9.

They day u left me, i tried to figure out how am i going to live without u. And now, i’m still figuring it out. 

Abah, the world is being cruel to me. No one loves me like they way u did. My friends are taking advantage over me and even my boyfriend had started to raise his voice. Abah, i know no one can treat me as special as u treated me. In business, u still called us to ask about what we ate and what present will we want when u come home from work. No one. Not even my boyfriend is able to do that. 

Abah, how sad i am when i got good result and i can’t get a hug from u. Abah, i just want to hug u soooo much right now. I miss u sooooooooo much! 

Abah, i’m looking forward to spend the next Ramadhan with u. Please, come home even though our home is now belonged to someone else. 

Your Daughter,

Nordiana Nordin

A Tale of a Naughty Boy

so here is the famous Baby Nooh... haha. he was soooo jealous of me drinking watermelon juice that he asked for some. LOL

Papa won't let me feed him with flavored drinks. but he wasn't around. so, let him drink it. haha. thre is the face of a naughty boy.

I HAD IT ENOUGH~!!!

earlier this semester, we were given with an assignment in which we have to finish it by today. it was a research paper. we have to conduct interviews, collect data and finalize the findings with appropriate conclusion. so our topic is "Why Fresh Graduates Remain Unemployed?". so our task is to conduct an interview to understand why this problem occurs. our respondents are employers and to get to them, wasn't that easy. i failed in getting some of the respondents. so she had to fake my interview and put anything that reliable.

even though i didn't like that but i remained silent and carry on with the job. later, she gave me 3/4 pieces of handwritten paper on introduction and literature review. i thought i'll just have to type it but then she said i have to translate her work to English. ever wonder why translator got paid high? because it's not an easy thing to do. it's super duper crazy thing~!!!! it took me sometime to finish that and when it's finished, i needed  to bring that paper to see the lecturer and get her approval.

she was so angry at me because i didn't add up the literature review. i told her i didn't have much time to do that and she just went mad. she said that she have given me the work a long time ago. who is she? she was my group mate. i teamed up with 2 guys and a lioness. and then she threw some accusations she made to the other 2 guys. well, lady, watch your mouth coz that is soooo unfair~!!! they've done their part! they've contributed. even if it not that much, well at least appreciate them!

i remained calm even after i found out that she copied and pasted my article and claimed that it was hers. fine~ whatever.

when we reached the submission date which was actually last fortnight, i didn't sleep and eat. i targeted an A for the subject. and then, she strikes again~! she was assigned to do the findings. and then when she feels like she didn't know anything or how to do it, she made it half done and dumped it to me. she commanded me to finish it for her. wth~!

i was totally upset. luckily, the other 2 males are supportive. so when the thing is done and submitted, i felt completely free. like a flying bird, i flew so high up in the air but then i was caught in a net. damn~!! the assignment needed to redo. homg~! u gotta be kiddin me.

i have final exam and and some other assignments and i have to see that thing again? huh! i did my part and emailed her and went back home. this afternoon, something happened. i was baby siting my lil brother and then i found that there were 25 missed calls. the caller was her and the other male. i tried to call them back because the male told me that the assignment wasn't completed. 

well, what can i do? im home to help my mom do some catering and to attend the tahlil ceremony of my late abah. is that wrong?

come on, babe. the 3 of u cant finish an assignment? or u just want me to be there and finish it all alone don't u? i didn't answer the call because i was busy and didn't realize an incoming call.

so what did she do? she didn't answer my call and then updated her status saying how upset she is and all she wanted to do is to insult me.

FINE~!!! DO ALL U WANNA DO. I HAD IT ENOUGH!

Period Pain

period pain to me is the worst problem every months. i got headache, stomach ache, back pain and my mood swings. when it came, i just can't do anything. totally helpless. but, one fine day, i was browsing through the internet and i found the cure!

wait, i didn't google the cure but i accidentally found it. i was having both back and stomach ache and so i decided to lie down with my laptop. i put the laptop on top of my stomach and straightened my back on my bed.

after sometimes, i felt better. much better. and then only i know, the heat from my traditional laptop helped in easing the pain and the posture is very good for my back. haha! an excuse for me to lazing around when i'm period. LOL.

Baby Nooh sleeping like a boss~!!

here's Baby Nooh strikes again!

Baby Nooh: kak dena, baby wants to sleep... go away!

LOL. Baby Nooh can now understands jokes n never stop drinking milk. homg, Baby, u're getting chubbier each day.

Baby Nooh: kak dena! Baby needs more milk!

hahah! OK Baby.. ;)

2 little precious things in my life..

Semester 2 came earlier this year. It started out well with my new born brother, life is a blessing. I got my house auctioned and we’re not homeless but it hurts me not to live in that house again. I pray for my strength to Allah. there, in the picture are my sweethearts. they are the reason why my heart ache and it hurts like hell when i can't go back home. wawawa~ the baby is turning 5 months now and the boy is 5 years old. the picture is taken at my new house. i miss my old house more. ;')

Being hurt, again and again, i just love being a masscommer~!

My life as a Teslian would probably be the best moment ever. I met new friends, great lecturers, easy subjects, nice campus and perhaps a nice boyfriend too. but as the earlier posts had stated, those memories turned to dark when my boyfriend left me and my dreams of becoming a Teslian once again is taken away from me. And so now, I’m a Masscommer. Though i hate to be called that at the first time but now, I started to like that title. A Masscommer.

Last night, i went to meet my Tesl friends who are now studying in language field like Tesl and Akedemi Pengajian Bahasa. I did not realize about my action because i was trying my hard to fight and forget my headache. When we’re about to get back, my very best friend, a male, told me something. “Diana, I think your ex left you because you are being gedik (slut-like)” that sentence struck to my mind and went straight to my heart. It pained my pride, tore my heart into pieces and burnt it into ashes and every joint seemed aching. It hurt so much that I almost exploded.

I know just how much he meant by those words. And then i told him that he was wrong. I confronted my ex and he said the reason why he left me was because i was too kind for him and he was flirting with someone else when we were parted. That was the reason. I didn’t make it. He told me that. How could someone i love and care so much told me that i was being gedik?

He sent me to my sister’s room. I stayed there for a while and then pretended that my friend needed me and i have to go back. I hate him because i had to lie to my kakak. I took another exit but he saw me and offered me a ride. I would rather die than to face him again and have to bear his insults.

I vowed when my ex left me. I vowed not to be a nice little girl who doesn’t care about herself and just think for the sake of anyone else. That was me. Now, i just want people to respect me. In this brutal world, people will no look at the innocent girl like i used to be. A brutal world needs a brutal girl. I admit it, it was hard to transformed myself to be like this. But people’s habit demand me to be a gedik girl.

So dear friends, accept me the way i am or else, GTFO

SAY GOODBYE TO SAD 2011 ;)

Happy New Year~!

Finally, the saddest, most tragic and unforgettable year is left behind. I haven’t decided on how to react to that year. Am I going to smile or cry to the memories. Just a flashback, this is what had happened.

2011, I officially turned 18 and my friends and my boyfriend celebrated it with a surprised party. Nice try guys but not that nice. You don’t have to act like you hate each other just to play prank on me. Hahaha! They were pretending to argue with each other and I cried to that friendship failure when the birthday cake arrived with my favourite snack, Chacos!!! Hoyeah~! Alright, I think I wanna smile to this memory.

Then, I left my college in March. It was so sad to see my friends go back home and perhaps, we’ll never get the chance to see each other again. Well, it is easy to say hi but it’s always being so hard to say goodbye. I left the beautiful UiTM Lendu; the lake we used to go to after class, the night market, Jebat Cafe, the library, Tun Fatimah, and most importantly, the classes. I choose to smile to that moment because it happened.

After sometime I left my foundation, I lost my man. The one I thought would make me happy. I cried my heart out when he left me. But he promised me to be friends, to always watch over me and to love me. He was just afraid of the commitment. It was so hard for me to stand on my own feet again after the break up. I was left unprotected. I was afraid of everything. I chose to cry to that moment and wish that it would be better if we had not met.

To make it worse, I failed my Medsi test and I got myself accepted as a masscommer. It was a hard thing too as I believe that my true call is to teach and educate children. I couldn’t accept that and again, I spent my time crying. There goes my future... my hard work, good pointer, MUET are all wasted. I have to bear with it because I will be doing this for the rest of my life. I had no strength to live. No appetite to eat. No desire to achieve my ambition. My heart died but the organs are still functioning. However, I chose to be neutral because I hate it but sometimes I seem to be enjoying it.

Being alone and ignored, I built up a layer of protection around myself. I believe I was left because I was not attractive enough for him. Men... after I realized that, I have decided to change. I stopped eating that much, torturing my own tummy. I watched war movies to lose my sense of sympathy to anyone else. I searched for more friends. I opened up my eyes to the new cruel world and stepped in it. I have become a bolder girl. I socialize and dominate. I controlled myself and the surrounding. I have become brave and there is nothing that can go against me. Not even men. I chose to smile wickedly to this achievement.

But somehow, I still have the soft Dianarella inside that would always betray me. I can’t see someone sooo kesian. And that made me surrendered. Due to that, I was harass, hurt by some irresponsible men. I have become the victim again. I hate that. They made me scared. I don’t know where to go as I am in Shah Alam. I always turned to my childhood friend, Helmi but he left me too to further his career as a navy. So he is being recruited and he can’t stay in touch with me. DANG~! I chose to hate this moment. Grrr~~~

And then all the trouble I faced in masscomm’s field. Classmates’ conflicts, catching up with assignments, examinations, other people’s assumptions on masscomm and me after i joined masscomm. Ugh~! Seriously, I’m getting tired with all these.... due to the uncountable problem I faced, I chose to be fierce at this course. No more playing.

And now, I have reached the end of this year. I’m having my study week and I’m going to do the best for my first degree’s final. I’m on it! Hoyeah~!

single life + stalkers = EFF!!!

today, i went to the nearest supermarket to buy some things for my assignment. i went out alone. it took 15 minutes to reach there. i grabbed a basket and start go looking for something to buy for my little brother. as i browsed along the rack, i realized that someone was following me. i tried to pretend that i didn't notice him but he stopped in front of me to make a conversation. i didn't wait for him to ask me more and so i escaped to another department. it was so scary that he followed me to other departments too. i made my way to a safer place where there were plenty of people there if things got worse. i could sense him on my back. i grabbed all the things i needed and went straight to the counter to pay and he was there too. i didn't look up to see his face but i know he was looking at me. when i'm done, i ran out. luckily he didn't try to do anything to me and lucky me it happened in a crowded open place.

this is the reality of single life. yes, it's suck to be single. there are more similar things that happened to me after my boyfriend left me to live on my own...

for instance, i met a guy which was studying at the engineering faculty. he was a friend of mine. he was just like the other guy but what makes him different from the rest is that he was hitting on me. he called me, texted me and even skyped with me. at first, i thought it was his way of befriending with me but then he started to call me with some romantic callings like darling, sayang.... EFF! he followed me everywhere even to the lingerie store! i told him to stay away but that doesn't really make him stay away from me. he talked about we having kids and he wanted to take me as his wife, telling me that i'm the best for him, complimented my looks... yeww!!! i can accept those compliments if he was just a friend but when i knew he had feelings for me, it's already an EFF!!! he even told me that he had fallen in love with me so hard on the first day we met. he proposed a week later... dude, u don't have to lie la... no one fell in love that soon.

a month after i avoided him, came another engineering guy who's name was very classical. we met at the ATM and he was alone while i was with my sister. he was asking for our help on a card which he didn't know the owner of it and he opened up a light conversation. then he asked for our number. i hesitated to give but my sister gave hers to me and he asked for mine. i saw his eyes on my sister and i thought that it was ok to give my number because he was probably didn't have a crush on me. but then he introduced me with a treatment that was said could tell me if i have a certain illness. i tried and i felt a sudden effect. i felt drowsy and sick. all of a sudden he became my unauthorized protector. he controlled me on my activities. i wasn't allowed to do this and that all because he said that i'm sick. i felt sick at the moment and i felt sick at him. EFF!!! later then, he told me that he loves me. he is still bothering me now with SMSes... calling me with romantic names, telling me that he will witness me in the labour room giving birth to his child... EFF!!!! EFF!!! EFF!!!! there was a day when i saw him in the library and we together, face to face. then, his feet was brushing mine under the table. i was so pissed off and left him there. SOME MEN SHOULD LEARN SOME RESPECT!!!. yesterday, i went out with my friend. we watched movie and ate together at Pavilion. when came back he wanted to know about where did i go, with whom, by what... that was so EFF! he got on my nerves! i told him i went out to pavi but didn't tell him with whom.

well, these are my stories about how i was distracted by my stalkers... just imagine if i have a boyfriend, i wouldn't suffer like this... i just need somebody to love, that's all... i don't need any stalkers or scandals. just need someone who will respect me, love me for what i am and me love him too... i'm scared... future, come fast and give me someone to end this mess.. 

wake up and smile... :)

Last night I dreamt that there were a couple of ugly wasps trying to sting me. But I was protecting myself from them. Then, I saw the wasps flew to somewhere else. They were like talking to some other creature. I stood there still without thinking of saving myself. Then, from the place that the wasps went, I saw a couple of (cute) bumblebees or one, I’m not sure. Flew straight to me and stung me. It hurt at the first time but then it subsided and I feel like the wound is somehow milken on my body. However, I don’t remember which part of my body that the bumblebee stung.

Well, my mother told me that if I dream about being stung, it means that someone is about to ask my hand for marriage...

LOL! I wonder who is that bumblebee....

p/s : my future hubby will be cute... :)

Make My Life Better, Not Harder...

I’m back for almost a month of working like maniac! I just got paid and it was ciput ajer... hmm.. never mind. So my life after the breakdown isn’t that much better. I go to work to get the frustration out of my mind. Poor Azizi, he has to bear with all my tantrums, my whine and my tears.

A week after the result came out, after I cried like everybody is leaving me, I got a call from my university asking me to provide them with all my details and documents. When I asked them what course are they asking my documents for, they said it was for the masscomm. I was like WHY???? I told the lecturers during the masscomm interview that I want TESL instead of masscomm but they betrayed me!

I got more frustrated thinking that I didn’t fail the medsi test but they failed me! How could they do that! I cried again begging for some reason to smile, to laugh, to be happy like I used to be when I was in TESL.

I got a course in masscomm field that is publishing and I have no idea what is it about. During the interview, I just wrote anything that crossed my mind and I didn’t even know whether it is true or not. I got myself highly praised by the interviewers and I said sorry I can’t be in this field. I’ve made them clear that I don’t want masscomm. I JUST WANT TESL.

YA ALLAH, I’m so sick with tears... I pray for my life will get better, not harder...

*my mom asked me why I didn’t further my degree in ICT field and I don’t even know why. WHY?? I got an A for that subject... huhu*

It Was Today....

Today, I went to the interview. To be more specific, job interview. I woke up and I know what I’m feeling about today. It was not a good day. I don’t really want to go to work because of my health problems. You know, I mentioned earlier in this blog. I just loss another kg today. The scale showed me with its LED face that I am now weight 47 kg. I can see my mother’s worried face. To make it worst, I got the job. The job needs me to be there right on 9.30 a.m. and leave at 10.30 p.m. what the hell? I need to get up so early in the morning and walk for about half a kilometre to reach the bus stop and wait for the bus. I gonna have to deal with the rude foreigners who are also going to work in the same bus with me. I hope that they will behave this time. I don’t have him to protect me on that moment.

*sigh*

The manager or interviewed me. He’s a Chinese. He said that my basic salary will be RM 600.00 per month but I have to work more hours so he gave me about RM 800.00. minus socso, I will only get RM 750.00.

*sigh* (again)

Then, I looked at my back. There were two staffs. A Malay and an Indian. Both are guys. The Indian was quite friendly. Over friendly I assumed. Smiling at me from ear to ear. I guess I have to be really prepared to work there. Plus, I have to make sales. So, who wants to buy Gintell’s product? Do tell me. It is not easy to sell something like that. It’s pricey and people who shop at Tesco are normally from middle-class family. I could afford it but they seem not to see what’s the benefit of getting it.

*sigh* (one more time)

Well, what are other choices do I have? I can’t just sit back and relax at home. I need to get myself busy. I need to give him some space for himself. Let him rest and let me not bothering him. I have to make something to fill my empty days. I really hope that I could find some peace of mind not to think of my problems. I just need to be afraid of fainting in front of the people for not eating. I can only have a time to go out 45 minutes during lunch and dinner hours. I have to pray on that time.

*sigh* (for the last time cause it’s bad for my health)

I can only tell myself to be strong and stronger each days of my life. I don’t have any choice. Let me suffer from physical torture rather than mental torture. When I get home tonight, I don’t feel like telling my step father about my work. He doesn’t even want to listen to it. He scolded me for that yesterday. He scolded me for helping Fahmi to find a room around the area of Melaka Raya. He wants to work at Singtel. He asked me to work with him but I don’t think my parents will allow me to work there. My mother said that the place is not good for me and I don’t have a transport to go there. It’s so sad to leave my mother alone in the house but I guess she’ll be fine. She’ll have a laptop to keep her preoccupied.

*sigh* (really hope this is the last time)

I wanted so much to surrender myself to ALLAH and pray to him to save me but I can’t. I know he can hear my heart is crying right now. Please, Ya ALLAH. Give me happiness instead of sadness. Please cheer me up. I’m dying from loneliness.