Dec 31, 2011


Happy New Year~!
Finally, the saddest, most tragic and unforgettable year is left behind. I haven’t decided on how to react to that year. Am I going to smile or cry to the memories. Just a flashback, this is what had happened.

2011, I officially turned 18 and my friends and my boyfriend celebrated it with a surprised party. Nice try guys but not that nice. You don’t have to act like you hate each other just to play prank on me. Hahaha! They were pretending to argue with each other and I cried to that friendship failure when the birthday cake arrived with my favourite snack, Chacos!!! Hoyeah~! Alright, I think I wanna smile to this memory.

Then, I left my college in March. It was so sad to see my friends go back home and perhaps, we’ll never get the chance to see each other again. Well, it is easy to say hi but it’s always being so hard to say goodbye. I left the beautiful UiTM Lendu; the lake we used to go to after class, the night market, Jebat Cafe, the library, Tun Fatimah, and most importantly, the classes. I choose to smile to that moment because it happened.

After sometime I left my foundation, I lost my man. The one I thought would make me happy. I cried my heart out when he left me. But he promised me to be friends, to always watch over me and to love me. He was just afraid of the commitment. It was so hard for me to stand on my own feet again after the break up. I was left unprotected. I was afraid of everything. I chose to cry to that moment and wish that it would be better if we had not met.

To make it worse, I failed my Medsi test and I got myself accepted as a masscommer. It was a hard thing too as I believe that my true call is to teach and educate children. I couldn’t accept that and again, I spent my time crying. There goes my future... my hard work, good pointer, MUET are all wasted. I have to bear with it because I will be doing this for the rest of my life. I had no strength to live. No appetite to eat. No desire to achieve my ambition. My heart died but the organs are still functioning. However, I chose to be neutral because I hate it but sometimes I seem to be enjoying it.

Being alone and ignored, I built up a layer of protection around myself. I believe I was left because I was not attractive enough for him. Men... after I realized that, I have decided to change. I stopped eating that much, torturing my own tummy. I watched war movies to lose my sense of sympathy to anyone else. I searched for more friends. I opened up my eyes to the new cruel world and stepped in it. I have become a bolder girl. I socialize and dominate. I controlled myself and the surrounding. I have become brave and there is nothing that can go against me. Not even men. I chose to smile wickedly to this achievement.

But somehow, I still have the soft Dianarella inside that would always betray me. I can’t see someone sooo kesian. And that made me surrendered. Due to that, I was harass, hurt by some irresponsible men. I have become the victim again. I hate that. They made me scared. I don’t know where to go as I am in Shah Alam. I always turned to my childhood friend, Helmi but he left me too to further his career as a navy. So he is being recruited and he can’t stay in touch with me. DANG~! I chose to hate this moment. Grrr~~~

And then all the trouble I faced in masscomm’s field. Classmates’ conflicts, catching up with assignments, examinations, other people’s assumptions on masscomm and me after i joined masscomm. Ugh~! Seriously, I’m getting tired with all these.... due to the uncountable problem I faced, I chose to be fierce at this course. No more playing.

And now, I have reached the end of this year. I’m having my study week and I’m going to do the best for my first degree’s final. I’m on it! Hoyeah~!

Nov 28, 2011

single life + stalkers = EFF!!!

today, i went to the nearest supermarket to buy some things for my assignment. i went out alone. it took 15 minutes to reach there. i grabbed a basket and start go looking for something to buy for my little brother. as i browsed along the rack, i realized that someone was following me. i tried to pretend that i didn't notice him but he stopped in front of me to make a conversation. i didn't wait for him to ask me more and so i escaped to another department. it was so scary that he followed me to other departments too. i made my way to a safer place where there were plenty of people there if things got worse. i could sense him on my back. i grabbed all the things i needed and went straight to the counter to pay and he was there too. i didn't look up to see his face but i know he was looking at me. when i'm done, i ran out. luckily he didn't try to do anything to me and lucky me it happened in a crowded open place.

this is the reality of single life. yes, it's suck to be single. there are more similar things that happened to me after my boyfriend left me to live on my own...

for instance, i met a guy which was studying at the engineering faculty. he was a friend of mine. he was just like the other guy but what makes him different from the rest is that he was hitting on me. he called me, texted me and even skyped with me. at first, i thought it was his way of befriending with me but then he started to call me with some romantic callings like darling, sayang.... EFF! he followed me everywhere even to the lingerie store! i told him to stay away but that doesn't really make him stay away from me. he talked about we having kids and he wanted to take me as his wife, telling me that i'm the best for him, complimented my looks... yeww!!! i can accept those compliments if he was just a friend but when i knew he had feelings for me, it's already an EFF!!! he even told me that he had fallen in love with me so hard on the first day we met. he proposed a week later... dude, u don't have to lie la... no one fell in love that soon.

a month after i avoided him, came another engineering guy who's name was very classical. we met at the ATM and he was alone while i was with my sister. he was asking for our help on a card which he didn't know the owner of it and he opened up a light conversation. then he asked for our number. i hesitated to give but my sister gave hers to me and he asked for mine. i saw his eyes on my sister and i thought that it was ok to give my number because he was probably didn't have a crush on me. but then he introduced me with a treatment that was said could tell me if i have a certain illness. i tried and i felt a sudden effect. i felt drowsy and sick. all of a sudden he became my unauthorized protector. he controlled me on my activities. i wasn't allowed to do this and that all because he said that i'm sick. i felt sick at the moment and i felt sick at him. EFF!!! later then, he told me that he loves me. he is still bothering me now with SMSes... calling me with romantic names, telling me that he will witness me in the labour room giving birth to his child... EFF!!!! EFF!!! EFF!!!! there was a day when i saw him in the library and we together, face to face. then, his feet was brushing mine under the table. i was so pissed off and left him there. SOME MEN SHOULD LEARN SOME RESPECT!!!. yesterday, i went out with my friend. we watched movie and ate together at Pavilion. when came back he wanted to know about where did i go, with whom, by what... that was so EFF! he got on my nerves! i told him i went out to pavi but didn't tell him with whom.

well, these are my stories about how i was distracted by my stalkers... just imagine if i have a boyfriend, i wouldn't suffer like this... i just need somebody to love, that's all... i don't need any stalkers or scandals. just need someone who will respect me, love me for what i am and me love him too... i'm scared... future, come fast and give me someone to end this mess.. 

Jul 26, 2011

wake up and smile... :)

Last night I dreamt that there were a couple of ugly wasps trying to sting me. But I was protecting myself from them. Then, I saw the wasps flew to somewhere else. They were like talking to some other creature. I stood there still without thinking of saving myself. Then, from the place that the wasps went, I saw a couple of (cute) bumblebees or one, I’m not sure. Flew straight to me and stung me. It hurt at the first time but then it subsided and I feel like the wound is somehow milken on my body. However, I don’t remember which part of my body that the bumblebee stung.

Well, my mother told me that if I dream about being stung, it means that someone is about to ask my hand for marriage...

LOL! I wonder who is that bumblebee....

p/s : my future hubby will be cute... :)

Jun 21, 2011

Make My Life Better, Not Harder...

I’m back for almost a month of working like maniac! I just got paid and it was ciput ajer... hmm.. never mind. So my life after the breakdown isn’t that much better. I go to work to get the frustration out of my mind. Poor Azizi, he has to bear with all my tantrums, my whine and my tears.

A week after the result came out, after I cried like everybody is leaving me, I got a call from my university asking me to provide them with all my details and documents. When I asked them what course are they asking my documents for, they said it was for the masscomm. I was like WHY???? I told the lecturers during the masscomm interview that I want TESL instead of masscomm but they betrayed me!

I got more frustrated thinking that I didn’t fail the medsi test but they failed me! How could they do that! I cried again begging for some reason to smile, to laugh, to be happy like I used to be when I was in TESL.

I got a course in masscomm field that is publishing and I have no idea what is it about. During the interview, I just wrote anything that crossed my mind and I didn’t even know whether it is true or not. I got myself highly praised by the interviewers and I said sorry I can’t be in this field. I’ve made them clear that I don’t want masscomm. I JUST WANT TESL.

YA ALLAH, I’m so sick with tears... I pray for my life will get better, not harder...

*my mom asked me why I didn’t further my degree in ICT field and I don’t even know why. WHY?? I got an A for that subject... huhu*

Apr 21, 2011

It Was Today....

Today, I went to the interview. To be more specific, job interview. I woke up and I know what I’m feeling about today. It was not a good day. I don’t really want to go to work because of my health problems. You know, I mentioned earlier in this blog. I just loss another kg today. The scale showed me with its LED face that I am now weight 47 kg. I can see my mother’s worried face. To make it worst, I got the job. The job needs me to be there right on 9.30 a.m. and leave at 10.30 p.m. what the hell? I need to get up so early in the morning and walk for about half a kilometre to reach the bus stop and wait for the bus. I gonna have to deal with the rude foreigners who are also going to work in the same bus with me. I hope that they will behave this time. I don’t have him to protect me on that moment.


The manager or interviewed me. He’s a Chinese. He said that my basic salary will be RM 600.00 per month but I have to work more hours so he gave me about RM 800.00. minus socso, I will only get RM 750.00.

*sigh* (again)

Then, I looked at my back. There were two staffs. A Malay and an Indian. Both are guys. The Indian was quite friendly. Over friendly I assumed. Smiling at me from ear to ear. I guess I have to be really prepared to work there. Plus, I have to make sales. So, who wants to buy Gintell’s product? Do tell me. It is not easy to sell something like that. It’s pricey and people who shop at Tesco are normally from middle-class family. I could afford it but they seem not to see what’s the benefit of getting it.

*sigh* (one more time)

Well, what are other choices do I have? I can’t just sit back and relax at home. I need to get myself busy. I need to give him some space for himself. Let him rest and let me not bothering him. I have to make something to fill my empty days. I really hope that I could find some peace of mind not to think of my problems. I just need to be afraid of fainting in front of the people for not eating. I can only have a time to go out 45 minutes during lunch and dinner hours. I have to pray on that time.

*sigh* (for the last time cause it’s bad for my health)

I can only tell myself to be strong and stronger each days of my life. I don’t have any choice. Let me suffer from physical torture rather than mental torture. When I get home tonight, I don’t feel like telling my step father about my work. He doesn’t even want to listen to it. He scolded me for that yesterday. He scolded me for helping Fahmi to find a room around the area of Melaka Raya. He wants to work at Singtel. He asked me to work with him but I don’t think my parents will allow me to work there. My mother said that the place is not good for me and I don’t have a transport to go there. It’s so sad to leave my mother alone in the house but I guess she’ll be fine. She’ll have a laptop to keep her preoccupied.

*sigh* (really hope this is the last time)

I wanted so much to surrender myself to ALLAH and pray to him to save me but I can’t. I know he can hear my heart is crying right now. Please, Ya ALLAH. Give me happiness instead of sadness. Please cheer me up. I’m dying from loneliness.

Apr 14, 2011


Last two weeks was probably one of the best weeks of my life. My friend, Maiza was having her second semester break and I had finished my Asasi TESL program (degree starts in September). We arrange an outing to our high school and then we hit the town.

Maiza, as the size I expected she still was, told me a lot of stories from her college and I told her mine. When we were at the school, we met our favourite library teacher, Ms. Jamy... Maiza, was running back and forth of the library like she used to be. She was funny but that is she. She is a carefree person and will always have a smile on her face.

Maiza also surprised me by telling me that she was wearing heels and started to like pink colour and Hello Kitty... OMG!!!! I just can’t believe my ear of hearing her saying that. I was so stunned by her confession. She was really not into these girly things back in high school. I guess, college life had really made she turned into a lovely little monster.

When we arrived at Melaka Central, she aimed for the ATM. She jumped on her little feet when she saw that her PTPTN was in. She withdrew some of her money then we started to shop like mad.

We travelled by bus so we don’t have to worry about parking the car. Plus, I don’t have a license to drive and she is too short to reach the pedals. Haha! J.K!

We stopped by the Jonker Walk. A place where there is no one but tourists. She said that her friend asked her to buy Nyonya’s umbrella. It’s so famous in Melaka, traditionally made and used by the Baba and Nyonya’s family. We got ourselves two identical blouses (in the picture). We even got into the fitting room together. You might think that is weird. It is because all of the staffs looked at us with wide eyes.

Then, we went to Dataran Pahlawan (the most well-known shopping complex in Melaka). This is where I, my friends and most of the teenagers in Melaka went to “lepak”.

I aimed to buy a pair of new shoes and she just want to shop for anything that looks nice (I guess). So, I got myself a pair of platform and she bought herself a pair of sneakers. We ate at Kaizer. She bought so many things for her siblings and mother. She got her sister a birthday present and a bracelet for each of her little sisters. She also bought her mother a ring. Then, she made a pre-order of a Korean artist’s album from Korea and paid RM 100.00. Huhu, she is indeed a crazy little spendthrift (sengal!).

We also invited our friend, Azmee. He walked with us carrying Maiza’s Nyonya’s umbrella in his bag. He is so funny. There was one time when we were waiting for bus; he said that he watched 16 SX movies when he was 18. We laughed our eyes out at his convoluted sentence. We were having so much fun together.

We went back when the sky was dark. Or maybe because my mother and my boyfriend called saying that it’s late. I got the message; if I’m not at home by 9, I will never be allowed going out again.

The next day, my mother brought me to a place where I will get a spiritual treatment. She asked me to invite Maiza accompany me.

Two days later, I accompanied Maiza to pay her college bill at the bank. Then, we headed to Jusco because she wanted to buy her mother a new stove. Before that, we had our lunch at the roof of Jusco. It was very windy and we were allowed to make so much noise since we were away from other people.

Going out with Maiza reminds me of myself when I was in high school. When I do naughty things like making sandwiches in the library and laugh like I own this whole world. And now, I am so lady like that no one will believe me if I was naughty before. Only Maiza does and I wish that I will never lost Maiza in my life. I LOVE U, MAIZA!!!

p/s: good luck for you third semester... miss u here in Bukit Rambai...